Dealing with the fear of not enough – letter to self
The fear of not being good enough to have what I want and do what I want runs through me. I know that this is an illusion and yet there it is again. I am now a published author! Wow a dream come true and a wonderful book that I can be proud of. I even am part of a collaborative book with friends and a support group of wonderful women. Hooray right?!
Am I excited and celebrating? Do I soak in the bliss of having this accomplishment? Do I push out my chest and strut like a peacock? Well, no. And I have to ask myself why is that? Lots of questions to address inside of me. I am actually struggling with depression again, being so worried about the marketing. Is anyone going to buy the book? Why do I care? Well, it must be about whether it is good enough, my self-worth about it and yet it was never really about that.
So, what was it about then? It was about my spiritual journey to Oneness. It was about following my intuition to see where it was leading me. It was about finishing what I started and if possible to help someone else on their similar journey. It was about leaving a legacy to my children, to again show what the possibilities are for myself and therefore everyone. What one can do, so can others. It was about organizing my thoughts, anchoring in my larger self and raising the consciousness of humanity by adding my version of what awakening is.
Why do I always make it about making money and establishing my success by the faulty standards of the society that I live in? That is the real question. And why do I let this affect me so much and make it my judgement too? Ah ha, now I think I am getting down to it. Why do I feel that I have to answer to those people—and my inner critic, who ask if anybody is buying my book. What if they don’t? Well, didn’t I already decide that my book was a huge success by my standards? Why yes, I did!!
Maybe it has to do with follow through and also my judgement of people who write and don’t market. The judgement that they were not serious or passionate about it.
I ask myself this, where is the passion and the joy? It should be there. Then there is the truth that I actually do like to market and I am really excited now that I think about it, that there is an actual body of work to sell. So, I think I want more and bigger and I want to learn how to do it in an amazing way. In a way that is to my standards and is meaningful to me.
Boy, I am a hard task master sometimes! Give yourself a hand and a pat on the back Lindsay.
I mean really!!