I admit it; I was angry, very angry at God! Did lightning strike me? Am I still here? Life has conspired against me, to bring me to my knees literally and figuratively, with nowhere else to go but to come to terms with the Divine. I am mad at life itself and at my Higher Self and whoever else has contrived to bring me to this valley of despair and a talk with God that I do not want to have.
I’m thinking of Yoda in Star Wars who speaks to Luke Skywalker as he goes into the cave of the unknown saying, “Are you afraid yet? You will be….Oh you will be.” Afraid, scared, humiliated and angry, I recognize and hate all those feelings. Still I know that I have to go there, do it, and have my conversation with God. (Luke Skywalker met himself in that cave you know, the dark side of himself.)
I haven’t really talked to God for many years. Not really talked to him, like in a conversation—a conversation where I expected an answer. Oh I said affirmations, with the understanding that the words I AM are another name for God. I have sent creative thoughts to the Universe with the understanding that the Force would act on my desires and visualizations. But God and me, well we are just not on speaking terms.
I have always considered myself spiritual and did have a good relationship with God in the past. Early in my life, when I followed the rules of my church, and following all the rules lead me to believe that I was special. I even felt entitled and believed that I was better than everyone I knew, a “more enlightened and gifted” daughter of God. But that was before life had its way with me. That was a long time and many crushing blows ago on the road of hard knocks.
I now know that the life force, the Universe, and my Higher Self and even I are all parts of God. Source has been given hundreds of names as individual personifications, each one different. God as The Father makes it so very personal. And logically if I am a part of God then I am angry with myself. Ha! Well, that’s just great! I am really good at putting myself down…being angry with myself, that’s easy.
What has brought me to this desperate place? Depression, a depression that I cannot shake, sadness that washed over me like a tidal wave that will not recede and is taking me down for the last time. And even worse, I have much to be thankful for and so I feel guilty and ashamed for my feelings.
What’s next? The end of the story….What did God say? How did he answer me? What happened after that?
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